Modern Torture Devices

I wear heels to work approximately 90 percent of the time and I’m in my 40s so I’m not exactly a novice. I have several pairs of stilettos in the 4 to 4 ½-inch range that give me no trouble unless I need to run after someone in a parking lot. It happens. That said, the shoes I wore yesterday were literally the worst. The. Worst.

My knee would have disclosed national secrets to escape the pain.

The bands around my toes were awful but something in the structure of the right shoe was causing pinpoint pain in the middle of my knee. I had them off most of the day with my office door closed and I’m still sore from wearing them a day later. My Jeep needed gas but I purposely waited until today because I wasn’t about to stand there filling up in those ridiculous contraptions, hating every second.

Beautiful shoes don’t have to hurt. The pair I have on today are just over 3 ½ inches and they are perfectly comfortable. I take good care of my feet and I resent the holy hell out of poorly constructed torture devices. I kind of feel like anyone who designs shoes which literally cause physical injuries should be sentenced to wearing them permanently by the Court of Fashion. Let their own feet become disfigured by their hellish creations.

On a completely unrelated note: Anyone need a professional shoe tester? Will work for merch. Size 6. Holla at ya girl.

It’s called vanity sizing…except it isn’t.

I was so close to going on an unhinged rant about vanity sizing. Thank God the Google machine stepped in and saved me from myself.

Not to brag or anything, but I’m a bit of a bargain shopper. I love designer labels but I also know how to be poor so the black pants can come from JCPenney all day long. Worthington has been my office attire workhorse for ages because it’s dependable af. I wait for the sales and then stock up on all of the basics. Unfortunately, they never-ever-ever have size 0 in stock in styles I like. WTF, people. I am not a size 0 but here we are.

My weight has fluctuated over the years and when you’re 5’1”, that can be an adventure. For the past year or so, I’ve been in the 104 to 106-pound range and I’m old enough to remember when that would be a size 5/6 or maybe even a 7/8. When I was in high school, I weighed about 95 pounds and wore a size 3 in Pepe jeans. Remember those? God, those were the days. I couldn’t wear Guess jeans because they were too tight in the legs and too large in the waist but goddamn, those Pepes were small in the waist and big in the ass. They were worth every penny at The Buckle!

So I was on the JCPenney website last night and I saw a Buy 1, Get 2 Free deal on Worthington pants. Game on! I expected the usual disappointment of everything in my size being sold out but I freaking hit pay dirt. THREE PAIRS of size 0 pants are on their way to my doorstep. I’m excited but also wondering if they will be too big. This isn’t a humble brag, people; this is a problem. Inexpensive clothes are just sized differently.

I thought the phenomenon was called vanity sizing but I was mistaken. I stumbled upon an older blog dedicated to this misconception and I stand corrected. A coworker told me this morning that I need to up my game and buy more expensive pants if I want them to fit. Once again, she is 100% correct. It is true that each individual clothing line (even among the same brand) has a target customer and some are sized larger than others. I found this when shopping for Calvin Klein dresses recently. The lower tier sale priced dresses had a different size chart with larger proportions than the higher priced dresses that were not on sale.

So just like with everything else, the key to finding clothes that fit properly without leaving your house is to be an informed consumer. Know your measurements…your actual measurements, not the numbers in your head. Study the size charts and understand that a shift dress will look like a burlap sack on you if you’re my size. Also keep in mind petite lines are for people who are 5’4” and under, not just skinny people. I’ll make the mistakes so you don’t have to.

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