Showers with Spiders

I generally have nothing against spiders. Unless we’re talking about the dangerous varieties, I am fine with gently relocating them outdoors where they belong so they can get on with their lives. Anyone who has done this, however, knows it can be a time consuming endeavor. It apparently isn’t their nature to be cooperative.

The first spider I saw in my master bathroom this morning was up high on the wall above the shower. I don’t wake up early enough to deal with these types of things before work so I decided it would just have to stay there for three reasons:

1. It wasn’t moving.
2. I’m a borderline midget.
3. I wasn’t messing with a step stool before coffee.

I saw the second spider at eye-level on a different wall while brushing teeth. I considered letting it go but it was behaving erratically so I killed and flushed it. I couldn’t risk the two of them channeling their inner coyotes and circling me for the kill. It was self-defense.

I decided to be brave and just keep an eye on the shower spider because I really did have to get ready for work. Once I entered the shower, he tried to go to the ceiling but was dangling from one leg like he was playing Die Hard and not very well, I might add. He returned to the wall and kept losing his step. I wondered if he was injured and our inevitable confrontation would be a mercy killing.

I barely took my eyes off him and then he disappeared before my very eyes. I checked my hair but felt nothing unusual and thought he ended up on the ledge at the top of the shower surround. I finally saw him on the shelf by my hair mask. He then moved to the shower wall and began moving toward me.

At this point, I was washing my hair and ended up with shampoo in my eye because I couldn’t very well stop watching the little bastard. He backtracked and then fell onto the floor of the shower. I quickly rinsed off and decided I would dry off, grab some toilet paper, and end this little dance. Unfortunately, I pulled the towel bar off the wall and it came crashing onto the floor of my shower. So then I had a spider and a towel bar keeping me company. He seemed too stunned to move.

Shower spider’s life was then ended without further incident. There are a few key takeaways here but the important thing is bug spray exists and is currently being stored in my garage. Jesus Christ…if my house had stairs, I would be dead by now.